I'm standing in a really long line
With no end in sight
And everyone around me is getting front of the line passes.
Twenty-one months, seven rounds of hormones, two surgical procedures, numerous blood tests and ultrasounds, and who knows how much money, and still nothing to show for it. Everyone around me is pregnant, it feels like. I just feel like screaming "I WAS HERE FIRST! I'VE BEEN WAITING LONGER!" And (I'm ashamed to admit) at times I feel like I deserve it more than someone else. When an unmarried, former student of mine gets pregnant... I should be having a child instead of her. When a newlywed couple who wasn't even trying gets pregnant... It should have been me. I feel joy for all of them, and intense, intense jealousy a lot of the time. It didn't use to be this strong, but it's come on with a vengeance ever since last Sunday (mother's day). And I hate it, but I don't want to give it up, for some crazy, sinful reason. I guess it's because if I can hold on to this, I can at least be in control of something.
I was so sure this would be the time. I had come to such a good place, and now I feel like I've taken a huge step back (thank you, Brandi, for your words last night, you have no idea how much I needed to hear them). I was so sure that this would be the time, it just had to be, because I had finally surrendered everything to God. Now I feel like I've failed, and I'm wondering what I was holding back, and I can't help but think that it won't happen next time, either, because of this "setback" in my faith.
We won't even be able to try again this month. We leave Saturday for Hawaii as chaperons for the senior trip (and despite this negativity, I am very, very excited about this vacation), and if I went on the medicine this time it would mean I would be on it for the entire Hawaii trip. Since I want to be able to enjoy my time there and enjoy my last moments with my students, and not bite every one's head off while on vacation, we've decided to skip the meds this month. The other thing that solidified the decision was that if I went on the Clomid again, and made it through Hawaii, but that round didn't work, that would leave me taking my next round while I'm working at Royal Family Kids Camp in June. Since Royal Family is a camp for abused and neglected foster kids, and I already know I'm going to be a complete basket case, I really don't need any extra hormones coursing through my body while I'm trying to love on those kids. So, it sucks. Majorly. I hate that we're having to postpone this even more. I hate that we're having to go through this at all. I hate that people who abuse their children are able to get pregnant. I hate that children are neglected. I hate that I don't have any children of my own.
With no end in sight
And everyone around me is getting front of the line passes.
Twenty-one months, seven rounds of hormones, two surgical procedures, numerous blood tests and ultrasounds, and who knows how much money, and still nothing to show for it. Everyone around me is pregnant, it feels like. I just feel like screaming "I WAS HERE FIRST! I'VE BEEN WAITING LONGER!" And (I'm ashamed to admit) at times I feel like I deserve it more than someone else. When an unmarried, former student of mine gets pregnant... I should be having a child instead of her. When a newlywed couple who wasn't even trying gets pregnant... It should have been me. I feel joy for all of them, and intense, intense jealousy a lot of the time. It didn't use to be this strong, but it's come on with a vengeance ever since last Sunday (mother's day). And I hate it, but I don't want to give it up, for some crazy, sinful reason. I guess it's because if I can hold on to this, I can at least be in control of something.
I was so sure this would be the time. I had come to such a good place, and now I feel like I've taken a huge step back (thank you, Brandi, for your words last night, you have no idea how much I needed to hear them). I was so sure that this would be the time, it just had to be, because I had finally surrendered everything to God. Now I feel like I've failed, and I'm wondering what I was holding back, and I can't help but think that it won't happen next time, either, because of this "setback" in my faith.
We won't even be able to try again this month. We leave Saturday for Hawaii as chaperons for the senior trip (and despite this negativity, I am very, very excited about this vacation), and if I went on the medicine this time it would mean I would be on it for the entire Hawaii trip. Since I want to be able to enjoy my time there and enjoy my last moments with my students, and not bite every one's head off while on vacation, we've decided to skip the meds this month. The other thing that solidified the decision was that if I went on the Clomid again, and made it through Hawaii, but that round didn't work, that would leave me taking my next round while I'm working at Royal Family Kids Camp in June. Since Royal Family is a camp for abused and neglected foster kids, and I already know I'm going to be a complete basket case, I really don't need any extra hormones coursing through my body while I'm trying to love on those kids. So, it sucks. Majorly. I hate that we're having to postpone this even more. I hate that we're having to go through this at all. I hate that people who abuse their children are able to get pregnant. I hate that children are neglected. I hate that I don't have any children of my own.
I wish I understood God's plan.
Pray for me, please. I need it.
