Merry Christmas!

In those days Caesar Augustus issued a decree that a census should be taken of the entire Roman world. (This was the first census that took place while Quirinius was governor of Syria.) And everyone went to his own town to register.

So Joseph also went up from the town of Nazareth in Galilee to Judea, to Bethlehem the town of David, because he belonged to the house and line of David. He went there to register with Mary, who was pledged to be married to him and was expecting a child. While they were there, the time came for the baby to be born, and she gave birth to her firstborn, a son. She wrapped him in cloths and placed him in a manger, because there was no room for them in the inn.

And there were shepherds living out in the fields nearby, keeping watch over their flocks at night. An angel of the Lord appeared to them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were terrified. But the angel said to them, "Do not be afraid. I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people. Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is Christ the Lord. This will be a sign to you: You will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger."

Suddenly a great company of the heavenly host appeared with the angel, praising God and saying, "Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace to men on whom his favor rests."

Luke 2: 1-14

I pray that your Christmas will be filled with peace, love, joy, and hope.

A huge thanks to Rhonda for taking this picture and creating our Christmas card. After Christmas is over, I plan on posting more of the pictures from this photo shoot.

Merry Christmas!

Have I told you lately...

...that I love my job?


Sure, there are frustrations.
There are problem students.
There are discipline issues and kids who won't turn in homework.
There are many wasted minutes trying to get them to shut up.



But, there are also students who listen intently as I lecture, quietly taking pages of notes, because they find the subject interesting.
There are students who steal my coffee cup and encase it in jello, knowing I'll find it hilarious.


There are drama students who gave each other such convincing "black eyes" that we had numerous people fooled.
There are students who make me laugh so hard I end up crying.
There are students who spend all day Saturday working on a paper that's not due until Thursday, because they know they will be having a busy week.
There are students who work hard in everything they do, even if it seems like an inconsequential task.
There are also students who turn in papers, on time, well written, correctly formatted.....


attached to chocolate.

Have I told you lately I love my job?

So how many have you read?

If you have a facebook, you've probably seen this floating around already. Apparently the BBC believes that out of their list of 100 books, most people will only have read 6. I'm proud to say that I've read many more than that, but I still have a long way to go!

1 Pride and Prejudice - Jane Austen – love it and teach it!
2 The Lord of the Rings - JRR Tolkien – read all three
3 Jane Eyre - Charlotte Bronte – love it, and teach it!
4 Harry Potter series - JK Rowling – love it!
5 To Kill a Mockingbird - Harper Lee – love it, and teach it!
6 The Bible – of course!
7 Wuthering Heights - Emily Bronte – started, but never finished
8 Nineteen Eighty Four - George Orwell – read it in high school
9 His Dark Materials - Philip Pullman
10 Great Expectations - Charles Dickens – used to teach it, not my favorite

11 Little Women - Louisa M Alcott
12 Tess of the D’Urbervilles - Thomas Hardy
13 Catch 22 - Joseph Heller
14 Complete Works of Shakespeare – not all of them, but quite a few!
15 Rebecca - Daphne Du Maurier

16 The Hobbit - JRR Tolkien – read it
17 Birdsong - Sebastian Faulk
18 Catcher in the Rye - JD Salinger – read it in high school
19 The Time Traveler’s Wife - Audrey Niffenegger – want to read it
20 Middlemarch - George Eliot

21 Gone With The Wind - Margaret Mitchell
22 The Great Gatsby - F Scott Fitzgerald – taught it last year
23 Bleak House - Charles Dickens
24 War and Peace - Leo Tolstoy
25 The Hitch Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy - Douglas Adams – own it, but never read it
26 Brideshead Revisited - Evelyn Waugh

27 Crime and Punishment - Fyodor Dostoyevsky – only book I’ve ever hated
28 Grapes of Wrath - John Steinbeck – should have read it in high school
29 Alice in Wonderland - Lewis Carrol – great story
30 The Wind in the Willows - Kenneth Grahame

31 Anna Karenina - Leo Tolstoy – own it, but never read it
32 David Copperfield - Charles Dickens
33 Chronicles of Narnia - CS Lewis – read them as a child, re read some as an adult
34 Emma-Jane Austen – not yet, but I want to!
35 Persuasion - Jane Austen – not yet, but I want to!
36 The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe - CS Lewis – great book
37 The Kite Runner - Khaled Hosseini
38 Captain Corelli’s Mandolin - Louis De Bernieres
39 Memoirs of a Geisha - Arthur Golden
40 Winnie the Pooh - AA Milne - :)
41 Animal Farm - George Orwell – not my favorite
42 The Da Vinci Code - Dan Brown
43 One Hundred Years of Solitude - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
44 A Prayer for Owen Meaney - John Irving
45 The Woman in White - Wilkie Collins
46 Anne of Green Gables - LM Montgomery – read as a child
47 Far From The Madding Crowd - Thomas Hardy
48 The Handmaid’s Tale - Margaret Atwood
49 Lord of the Flies - William Golding – graded lots of papers on this, but never read it
50 Atonement - Ian McEwan

51 Life of Pi - Yann Martel
52 Dune - Frank Herbert
53 Cold Comfort Farm - Stella Gibbons
54 Sense and Sensibility - Jane Austen – started, but not finished
55 A Suitable Boy - Vikram Seth
56 The Shadow of the Wind - Carlos Ruiz Zafon
57 A Tale Of Two Cities - Charles Dickens – own it, but never read it
58 Brave New World - Aldous Huxley
59 The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night - Mark Haddon
60 Love In The Time Of Cholera - Gabriel Garcia Marquez – own it, but never read it

61 Of Mice and Men - John Steinbeck – taught it a couple years ago
62 Lolita - Vladimir Nabokov
63 The Secret History - Donna Tartt
64 The Lovely Bones - Alice Sebold
65 Count of Monte Cristo - Alexandre Dumas – want to read it
66 On The Road - Jack Kerouac
67 Jude the Obscure - Thomas Hardy
68 Bridget Jones’s Diary - Helen Fielding
69 Midnight’s Children - Salman Rushdie
70 Moby Dick - Herman Melville

71 Oliver Twist - Charles Dickens
72 Dracula - Bram Stoker
73 The Secret Garden - Frances Hodgson Burnett – one of my favorites when I was little
74 Notes From A Small Island - Bill Bryson
75 Ulysses - James Joyce
76 The Inferno – Dante – read parts of it
77 Swallows and Amazons - Arthur Ransome
78 Germinal - Emile Zola
79 Vanity Fair - William Makepeace Thackeray

80 Possession - AS Byatt
81 A Christmas Carol - Charles Dickens – read it
82 Cloud Atlas - David Mitchell
83 The Color Purple - Alice Walker
84 The Remains of the Day - Kazuo Ishiguro
85 Madame Bovary - Gustave Flaubert
86 A Fine Balance - Rohinton Mistry
87 Charlotte’s Web - EB White – loved it as a kid
88 The Five People You Meet In Heaven - Mitch Albom – read it
89 Adventures of Sherlock Holmes - Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
90 The Faraway Tree Collection - Enid Blyton

91 Heart of Darkness - Joseph Conrad – teach it
92 The Little Prince - Antoine De Saint-Exupery
93 The Wasp Factory - Iain Banks
94 Watership Down - Richard Adams
95 A Confederacy of Dunces - John Kennedy Toole
96 A Town Like Alice - Nevil Shute
97 The Three Musketeers - Alexandre Dumas – want to read it
98 Hamlet - William Shakespeare – teach it
99 Charlie and the Chocolate Factory - Roald Dahl – loved it as a kid
100 Les Miserables - Victor Hugo

So I've read 26 of them, and I teach/have taught 8 of them. There are a bunch more I'd like to read, but also quite a few I know I will never get around to. Moby Dick? No thank you.War and Peace? I don't think so. I don't blame you if you don't want to repost, but I would love to know what you've read, and what books you love (even if they aren't on the list). I'm always looking for news things to read.

Friends

This summer I got to shoot pictures for two awesome young ladies.

J is a former student of mine, who is just starting her first year of college, and M is a current student of mine in her senior year of high school. These girls have been 'besties' their whole lives, so before J left I was able to get some pictures for the two of them. It was a fun morning, plus, it gave me more experience, so we all win!

While I so often hate the Central Valley, it does have its own, special (hot) beauty, so we capitalized on that while we could. When all fields were green and the hay was golden, we drove through the country looking for places to stop.

A few more of my favorite pictures from the day...

Since we last 'spoke'

I have....

* re-read all of my favorite trashy young adult novels
* gone to San Diego with the Reynolds side of the family
* fully intended to write a post with pictures from the San Diego trip
* gone camping in Laguna Seca with the Reynolds clan
* watched some awesome practice/qualifying races at Laguna Seca
* fully intended to write a post with pictures from the camping trip
* Started school again
* been completely exhausted (it wasn't this tiring last year!)
* felt so old because I am ten years older than my freshmen
* come up with a new budget and a new chore system... much to the chagrin of my husband
* discovered tonsillitis is no fun
* reached the two year anniversary of when we started trying to get pregnant
* counted 22 pregnant friends (that's a lot!)
* including one of my students... who would have been a sophomore :(
* doubted our plan to stop trying
* and been reassured that this really is the best thing for us
* and then I've doubted it again (and the cycle keeps repeating)
* increased my brain capacity by playing sudoku all the time ;)
* decided to not buy anything I can live without during the month of September
* gotten a referral to a dermatologist to see if I can once and for all get rid of my skin problems
* shot some pictures for some awesome girls
* fully intended to write a post with pictures from our shoot
* generally enjoyed life
* and missed you all



Perhaps I'll get another post up soon with some pictures. I really did get some great ones of my adorable, wonderful nieces while in SD and while camping, and I would love to show my little girls off!

First Lines

Most of you know I teach English. I am passionate about literature, but I don't think I've ever shared any of my love for words with you. Reading is one of my favorite things to do, and the first line of a novel is very important to me. So, I wanted to share some of my all-time favorite first lines from books I love.

"Alice was beginning to get very tired of sitting by her sister on the bank and of having nothing to do: once or twice she had peeped into the book her sister was reading, but it had no pictures or conversations in it, 'and what is the use of a book,' thought Alice, 'without pictures or conversations?'" (From Alice in Wonderland by Lewis Carroll)

"It was a bight cold day in April, and the clocks were striking thirteen." (From 1984 by George Orwell)

"The thousand injuries of Fortunado I had borne as best I could, but when he ventured upon insult, I vowed revenge." (From "The Cask of Amontillado" by Edgar Allen Poe)

"It was a pleasure to burn." (From Fahrenheit 451 by Ray Bradbury)

"There was a boy called Eustace Clarence Scrubb, and he almost deserved it." (From The Voyage of the Dawn Treader by C.S. Lewis - the whole introductory passage from this book is amazing)

"If you really want to hear about it, the first thing you'll probably want to know is where I was born, and what my lousy childhood was like, and how my parents were occupied and all before they had me, and all that David Copperfield kind of crap, but I don't feel like going into it, if you want to know the truth." (From The Catcher in the Rye by J.D. Salinger)

"It was almost December, and Jonas was beginning to be frightened." (From The Giver by Lois Lowry)

And probably my two favorite ever, from two of my favorite novels ever:

"When he was nearly thirteen my brother Jem got his arm badly broken at the elbow." (From To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee)

"It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife." (From Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen)

And finally, though it's not a first line, here's one of my favorite passages from the novel Jane Eyre by Charlotte Bronte:

"No sight so sad as that of a naughty girl," he began, "especially a naughty little girl. Do you know where the wicked go after death?"
"They go to hell," was my ready and orthodox answer.
"And what is hell? Can you tell me that?"
"A pit full of fire."
"And should you like to fall into that pit, and to be burning there forever?"
"No, sir."
"What must you do to avoid it?"
I deliberated a moment: my answer when it did come was objectionable. "I must keep in good health, and not die."

And if you haven't read Jane Eyre, Pride and Prejudice, or To Kill a Mockingbird, you really should. They're all incredible.

Pray for Jacob

Any of you guys who read this, please join with me in praying for Jacob Kirkendall. I grew up with the Kirkendall's - Tom and Debbie were my junior high pastor and small group leader - and their 17 year old son is currently fighting for his life. You can read more at http://journeythroughfire.blogspot.com/, but basically what happened was he was investigating a tree on fire, and the tree came down, bringing the power lines with it. He is very badly burned, both externally, and from the inside out. They have been worried about his kidneys and lungs, among other things. This family is very dear to me, and I know they would appreciate your prayers so much.

Back from Royal Family!

Wow... just wow...

I am completely sold.

I didn't want to come home.

In fact, I'd really like to go back up right now.


I honestly cannot adequately describe what the past week was like. I'll try my best, but I know I am going to fall so short of communicating just how incredible an experience RFKC was. This might get long, but trust me, it's worth it to read.

We had twenty-three kids this year - 12 girls and 11 boys, ranging from 7-11 years old, and somewhere around 40 adults. If you didn't catch my last post, each of these kids is in the foster care system because of prior abuse. Most of them have been sexually abused, in addition to physical or emotional abuse, or neglect. Some of them have also suffered abuse in their foster homes. I don't know each child's story, but the things I heard about what some of the kids have been through is absolutely haunting. It's stuff I can't share, and I wish I didn't know. Some of the kids seems fairly well-adjusted, or at least as adjusted as you could ask from a child in their situation. Other kids presented problems. There were quite a few of the little boys who were highly interested in the female staff members. I had a ten year old ask if I had a boyfriend. A few of them had a hard time following rules, and they kept wanting to run off, away from their counselors. Many of them had horrible attitudes, like nothing at the camp was interesting or good enough for them. Despite all of that, it was one of the best weeks of my life.

I got to sit with hurting kids while they learned that God is their shepherd, and that he is with them no matter what they go through. I got to sing songs with them about how God will change their name - from wounded and outcast to confidence and overcoming one. I got to watch as joy lit up their faces, something I imagine does not happen very often. I got to love them as much as I could in one week, and got to send them home with precious memories.

We did archery, face painting, arts and crafts, and took apart car motors; we swam, played dress up, had tea parties, worshiped, watched skits about sheep, and celebrated everyone's birthday. Thursday we had a huge birthday party so we could celebrate that each one of them was born. We had cake and punch, and each kid got a birthday bag full of goodies. They each received a CD player and a CD of the worship songs we did during the week. They got a photo album full of pictures of them throughout the week. They also got a birthday box full of toys and fun things for them to play with. In addition to the stuff they received at their birthday party, at the beginning of the week they each got a hand-made quilt, and a duffel bag of personal care items and a Bible. They received a lot of 'stuff' but they also received something so much more important.

Thursday night we did a talent show. We had a bunch of ghetto little kids break dancing, but there were also touching moments. An 8 year old girl sang a song that she wrote. It just broke my heart as she sang about how Jesus was her shepherd and how he would not leave her. Two brothers sang "Jesus, lover of my soul." It was so cute, because the part that goes "my Savior, my closet friend, I will worship you until the very end" was sung as "My Lord, my specious friend." You couldn't help but smile.

They age out of the camp at 11 years old. Some of the kids come every year from the time they are 7 until they graduate (we even have a graduation ceremony and each 11 year old gets a mortar board that we've all signed), but some kids come for the first time as 11-year-olds. One of our G.I.T.s (graduates in training - the 11-year-olds) was a boy who was there for his first time. All week he acted like he was too cool for most everything that was going on. But he asked the Bible teacher if he could give back his G.I.T. card and come again next year.

Each child writes two letters at the end of camp. One is a letter to God, and the other one is titled "Why I Like Royal Family Kids Camp." When we get back the staff has a debriefing party, and we read all the letters. The stuff in them is just heartbreaking. So many of the kids prayed for their moms in their letters to God. They wanted their moms out of prison, or they wanted to be with their moms, but understood that they couldn't right now. Some kids said they liked camp more than they liked being at home. One girl, an 11 year old who had been for four years, wrote the following (paraphrased as best I remember): "With all I've been through, this (RFKC) has helped put me back together, but there are still some pieces missing. But that's okay, because one thing can't cover it all." She's eleven! No one her age should have to be burdened with that kind of wisdom.

One of the other special things about camp is Grandma and Grandpa. They are an absolutely wonderful older couple, and they go up as camp Grandma and Grandpa for all the kids. Before every meal, everyone has to get a hug from both of them. It was so great watching the kids, wary at the beginning of the week, run up to get hugs from their Grandma and Grandpa by the end. We also did a balloon release on the last day. Each kid wrote something on a piece of paper they wanted to give to God, tied it to a balloon, and all together they released their balloons up to heaven. That last day was so hard. The kids were shutting down - trying to protect themselves from the painful goodbye that was coming. One of the boys just kept sobbing. Every time I looked at him I would start to cry. I wanted to be able to take him home with me.

I also can't explain the change that has happened in me. I came down off that mountain with a completely different set of priorities. I've already taken my fertility meds this month, but Kyle and I have decided that if this month doesn't work, we'll be taking an extended break from trying to conceive. And honestly, part of me is actually hoping this month won't work. I know it's crazy that I'm saying that, but as excited as I would be to find out I was pregnant, it would absolutely break my heart that I couldn't go to RFKC next year. There is something amazing about being able to show a hurting child the love of God, and I don't want to miss out on that. It's an absolutely incredible change that has happened in me. Kyle looked at me like I was insane when I asked him what he thought about taking a break for six months to a year, but we've decided that it would be really good for us. Assuming this month doesn't work, we'll take time to pay off debt, enjoy our life together, fix up the house how we want, etc, and we'll both go to RFKC next year. And if this month does work, we'll be thrilled to welcome our own child into our home, and we'll stay as involved with Royal Family as we possibly can. I'm really seeking God's will right now, and it seems like it's finally sunk in that maybe having children of our own is not part of God's plan for us right now. I still strongly believe that it will happen some day, but for now I see my priorities shifting. I want to be the best wife I can be to my husband, and focus on him instead of trying to get pregnant. I want to be the best teacher I can be, and love and nurtue my students. I want to be there for my friends, instead of being the one who needs a shoulder to cry on. I want to get involved with the abortion ministry that is starting at my church. And I want to get as involved as I can with the Royal Family ministry.

So that's where I'm at right now. Huge changes, but I feel the most at peace that I've ever felt.

Perhaps it's because He has changed my name.

I will change your name
You shall no longer be called
Wounded, outcast
Lonely or afraid

I will change your name
Your new name shall be
Confidence, joyfulness
Overcoming one
Faithfulness, friend of God
One who seeks my face.

Royal Family Kids Camp

This Sunday I will be leaving for what I know will be one of the hardest, most rewarding weeks of my life. I'll be working as the drama director and a rover (I'll explain that in a bit) at Royal Family Kids Camp. If you've never heard of Royal Family, you're missing out. Royal Family is an organization of camps for abused and neglected children in the foster care system. Every year over three and half million kids are abused and/or neglected, and Royal Family makes a difference in the lives a small number of those kids by creating a week of positive memories for these kids. The name refers to the fact that we are part of God's royal family, and as such we are all princes and princesses in God's family. That's definitely a change in treatment from what these children are used to! (and as I'm rereading that, it really sounds like some promotional ad or statement I took off the website...)
Like I said, I'm the drama director for the week, so I've been in charge of directing all the chapel skits. They're all really cute skits, and I have a great team of actors I'm working with. They just need to memorize their lines! Sigh, actors... :)
I'm also a rover, or a member of the support staff. Every counselor only has two kids, so they get so much more attention than at most camps we're used to. There's also a "two deep" rule, meaning that at all times, there must be two adults together with any children. Because of the background these kids come from, we really have to cover our bases. Each counselor has a buddy counselor, and then the rovers are available to step in and help out wherever it's needed, so that there are always two adults. We're also there to relieve the counselors so they get a periodic break.
I'm very excited about the week, but I also know it's going to be a very emotional week. I would love if you guys would join all of us in praying for the week - for strength and energy for the staff, and especially for the kids. You can also pray for me specifically, as I'll be on my fertility medication while we're up there. What fun! Thankfully the last couple times I've been on it I haven't really had a reaction, but especially because of the kids I'll be working with, I really need to be aware of my mood and how I'm acting. I've had a lot of practice keeping it under control when I feel it affecting me, since I was on it so many times while I was teaching and dealing with unruly high schoolers, so I should be okay, but I really would just prefer to not have a reaction to it at all so that I don't have to work to enjoy myself and be a pleasant person to be around. So pray specifically for: no mood swings, no headaches, no nausea, and no hot flashes. My meds sound like fun stuff, don't they!
I'll be back next Friday, and soon after that I'll let you guys know how the week went!

Thankful...

For so many things!

~An amazing, safe trip to beautiful Hawaii with some completely awesome teenagers ~


~ Including super-fun parasailing with Kyle ~


~ Tons of progress made in painting the living room ~

~ A new fence on the sideyard to keep Marley corralled ~

~ My Marley baby, even though she drives me crazy and might be retarded :) ~


~ A brother-in-law who helped us order all the parts for a new computer ~

~ Said brother-in-law who will be putting together the new computer when it gets here ~

~ My new flower pots that match my front door ~


~ New curtains for the kitchen and living room ~

~ A pastor who continuously teaches me so much every Sunday ~

~ My wonderful husband who built me the new fence ~

~ New flowers in my garden ~


~ A heart that is healing and growing and learning ~

~ The support and love and prayers I get from all of you ~

~ So much more ~

Feels like....

I'm standing in a really long line
With no end in sight

And everyone around me is getting front of the line passes.

Twenty-one months, seven rounds of hormones, two surgical procedures, numerous blood tests and ultrasounds, and who knows how much money, and still nothing to show for it. Everyone around me is pregnant, it feels like. I just feel like screaming "I WAS HERE FIRST! I'VE BEEN WAITING LONGER!" And (I'm ashamed to admit) at times I feel like I deserve it more than someone else. When an unmarried, former student of mine gets pregnant... I should be having a child instead of her. When a newlywed couple who wasn't even trying gets pregnant... It should have been me. I feel joy for all of them, and intense, intense jealousy a lot of the time. It didn't use to be this strong, but it's come on with a vengeance ever since last Sunday (mother's day). And I hate it, but I don't want to give it up, for some crazy, sinful reason. I guess it's because if I can hold on to this, I can at least be in control of something.

I was so sure this would be the time. I had come to such a good place, and now I feel like I've taken a huge step back (thank you, Brandi, for your words last night, you have no idea how much I needed to hear them). I was so sure that this would be the time, it just had to be, because I had finally surrendered everything to God. Now I feel like I've failed, and I'm wondering what I was holding back, and I can't help but think that it won't happen next time, either, because of this "setback" in my faith.

We won't even be able to try again this month. We leave Saturday for Hawaii as chaperons for the senior trip (and despite this negativity, I am very, very excited about this vacation), and if I went on the medicine this time it would mean I would be on it for the entire Hawaii trip. Since I want to be able to enjoy my time there and enjoy my last moments with my students, and not bite every one's head off while on vacation, we've decided to skip the meds this month. The other thing that solidified the decision was that if I went on the Clomid again, and made it through Hawaii, but that round didn't work, that would leave me taking my next round while I'm working at Royal Family Kids Camp in June. Since Royal Family is a camp for abused and neglected foster kids, and I already know I'm going to be a complete basket case, I really don't need any extra hormones coursing through my body while I'm trying to love on those kids. So, it sucks. Majorly. I hate that we're having to postpone this even more. I hate that we're having to go through this at all. I hate that people who abuse their children are able to get pregnant. I hate that children are neglected. I hate that I don't have any children of my own.

I wish I understood God's plan.

Pray for me, please. I need it.

Destruction

I'll just let the pictures speak for themselves...

In addition to this, she's destroyed:

multiple pairs of underwear and socks
a few pairs of shoes
(including my adorable pointy black heels)
the telephone cord for our internet
two blankets
(torn to shreds all over our back yard)
the drip system in our backyard
a rose bush
(tore it completely out)
two leads
(she can chew through one in under 5 minutes)
a ceramic bowl
the nozzle for our hose

and possibly our sliding glass door
(more on that later...)

Can someone remind me why I wanted a dog?

Been away awhile...

I am so busy! I had been planning at least a few blog posts over this past week while I was on Easter break, but now I'm on my last day of break, and obviously there were no posts over the past week. Even when I'm on vacation I'm busy every moment! So, since it's been over a month since I last updated you all, here is a very general, hopefully quick update of what has been going on:

My surgery was the 19th, and it went very well. Recovery was another story altogether, though. I ended up back in the hospital on the 21st, and back at my doctor's office on the 23rd, then finally started to feel better a few days after that. Surgery results are a little mixed. My tubes are open (praise God!), but my Doc found endometriosis. However, he doesn't think that it is causing our fertility problems. It's very mild, and I have very, very, very minimal scarring, so for now he doesn't want to treat the endo. He said the treatment we could do is a 6 month process, so I'm in agreement with the whole not treating thing. My doc is just thinking that perhaps we didn't get lucky during our 6 rounds of Clomid (only 4 could have resulted in pregnancy, because 2 times the meds didn't work), so we're going to try up to three more rounds before looking into anything else. Please pray with us that one of these rounds will work. I'm handling everything so well now, and have really come to the point that I want Christ more than I want a baby, and if we are not supposed to be parents I know that our lives will not be wasted. Despite this place of peace and comfort I am in, it's still a really annoying, stressful process, and I'm so far past ready for this to all be over.

I can't even really remember what else has happened over the last month, so I'll just focus on the last week: I've been off of work for a week, and it has not been long enough. I have to go back tomorrow, and I'm not too thrilled. I love my students, and I love teaching... but I also like sleeping in and doing fun things like Magic Mountain and Disneyland. Magic Mountain was last Monday with one of my coworkers, and then Friday and Saturday Kyle and I took his whole family down to Disneyland to celebrate his 25th birthday. We went with his parents, his brother and sister-in-law, and our two nieces. Taylor is almost 3, so it was also in celebration of her birthday. She LOVED Disneyland, expecially the Tea Cups, and we all had a great time. Whenever I find my cord to my camera I'll upload the pictures and get some on here. It really was an awesome weekened with the family, but also exhausting, and I'm still sore and tired.

I've missed you all, and hope everything is going well for you!

Sore, sick, and surgery.

I have muscle pain in places I didn't know muscles existed. It's horrible. And yet so incredibly awesome! I've started a fitness class that's four days a week, at the ungodly hour of 5:30 am. Today was my second day, but now I've actually signed up and will be getting up at 5 Tues-Fri to go work my patootie, and everything else, off. It's a class taught by one of my student's moms, and she is insane and awesome. We do weights, and core exercises, and kickboxing, and aerobics and ball work, and on and on and on. Pretty much, and hour of the hardest workout I've ever done. And besides being in pain, I feel great. I have energy!

So, I'm not really sick, but it fit with the alliteration I had going in the title. I am sick of doctor appointments, though. I'm heading down to LA in just a bit to go to my second appointment this week. Wednesday was at my regular doctor here in town, to try to decide what our next step is, and today I'm going to go see a natural healer type doctor. Or a witch doctor, as my MIL likes to say. She's a friend of my sister in law, and comes highly, highly, highly recommended, plus she's a Christian and just seems like the sweetest lady! But still, another appointment. Hopefully she'll be able to help me with my skin problems. And the fun thing is that I'm going down with my sister in law and her girls, and we're staying the night down there are Sarah's mom's house, so it should be a good time, even if I have to go to another appointment!

On to the surgery. My doctor (ob-gyn) decided on Wednesday that it is time for us to take the next step, so on Thursday the 19th I'll be having two procedures done. Both outpatient, no big deal kind of things, but I'll be put under, which I've never experienced, and I would love for you to be praying for the procedures. One is a laparoscopy, where they will be looking all around my insides to check for any problems, like endometriosis, and the other is an HSG, which is a dye test to check for blockages in my tubes. Fun stuff! Please pray for my nerves, I'm not scared, but it's still new ground for me, having never had any sort of procedure like this before. Also pray that my doctor will find out what the problem is, and that it will be a fixable problem, not a permanent problem.

Okay, now I have to run so I can finish getting ready to go down to LA!

Bathroom: the finished product.

So here's the bathroom:

I actually still have touch up to do, but I love it!

I bought fabric today to make curtains for the living room (and only spent $10, yay for sales!), and since I have tomorrow off....

Curtain making time!

Marley's Surprise

This is what I found when I went to fill up her dog food bowl the other morning...

Yeah, that'd be part of a multilated, knawed on gopher, staring up at me. Care for a closer look? Thanks, Marley, I feel the love you have for us.

On a less stomach churning note, here's what I've done with our front bathroom! I still have touch ups to do, and I have a nice thing I'm going to do with some towels (once I get to the laundry, that is) on the towel rack. And then one more room of my house is finished!

embarrassing moment

Since I love all of you so much and want to bring you joy, I thought I'd share a rather funny story with you! Of course, it was not funny at all at the time, but in retrospect, it gives me a chuckle. You may have figured out already that last month was not our month to get pregnant. I really thought it might have worked, but that's not the point - the point is that I'm on another round of my fertility meds. And they really mess with me. Thankfully today was my 5th and last day of the pills, so I should be pretty much back to normal now. But Tuesday night... man it was bad. First day on the meds, which for me is always the worst. Kyle and I were laying in bed talking, and something he was saying was upsetting me, for completely asinine reasons- all he was trying to do was encourage me that in God's timing we would have a child. But of course, I'm hormonal, so I do what I do best on the meds: I start crying. So the poor guy is trying to comfort me, and I asked him for a tissue, and... the tissue box was empty. Now, a rational, reasonable human being would have simply gotten up to get toilet paper or a different tissue box. But I am not rational or reasonable while under the influence of excess hormones, so I started bawling uncontrollably. Like, my whole body shaking with sobs, because the tissue box was empty!! Ack! It's been a little crazy in our house this week. :/

On another topic, today was absolutely amazing! Monday was my birthday, but we didn't do anything until today. Actually, Kyle left me a birthday card on my windshield while I was at work, and there were beautiful orange roses at home for me. But today we went out to breakfast, then started driving to somewhere (I didn't know where we were going). It turned out that he was taking me to Cambria. We walked all around Cambria and went in to all the adorable little shops. We looked through art galleries and antique stores. Then we went wine tasting, had delicious wine and great conversation with the other patrons and the employees. He had planned on taking me to a certain restaurant, but there was a local couple at the wine tasting who suggested another place called the Sea Chest, so we ate there and had great clam chowder and salad and swordfish for dinner. It was an amazing day, and the best part was that Kyle planned the whole thing out as a surprise for me.

With the exception of my tissue box fiasco, I've been doing really well emotionally lately. Even getting my negative test last week didn't really effect me. Obviously it's disappointing, but I wasn't depressed. I've found out about three more friends who are pregnant, and found out all three on the same day, which would have seriously messed me up before. I know there are a few thing contributing to my new found peace and contentment: I have so many people praying for me and I can tell, and I am so thankful for every one. Secondly, Kyle and I have been doing a devotional for couples dealing with infertility for about a week, and it's been a nice time each night to pray and read together. I also read a book called Hannah's Hope, which is absolutely amazing. It's really helped me see the areas that Satan can most easily attack me, and it's helping me deal with questions like 'is God punishing me?' and 'is this because God knows I would make a bad mother?' Both thoughts that are the work of the devil, but questions that come up nonetheless. And the last thing that has been helping me: Joelle. A wonderful, dear friend that I work with. I've known her for years, and on Wednesday she called me and left a message that said she understands what I'm going through and to call her back. We talked for a half hour, and it was so therapeutic. She has two teenagers now, but went through treatments and years of waiting and multiple miscarriages. I have so many great supportive people here in the area, and I have online friends who are going through or have gone through what we're dealing with, but I did not have a single person who was here and understood. Really understood. And now I do. It's incredible how God brings people in to your life just when you need them the most.

New House Pictures

I'm finally getting around to showing you guys what else we've done in the house. The last pictures I showed you were just after we moved in, and we'd barely done anything! Now, it's been months since we moved in, and we've still barely done anything! Now, that's not quite true, but it sure feels like it. Our kitchen has been complete for quite some time, and we tore out bushes in the front yard and put in some plants a few weeks ago. I got tons of paint squares at Home Depot the other day so I can pick out colors for the rest of our house. I mean, so WE can pick out colors. I doubt you want a detailed description of every paint sample I picked out, so I'll just tell you that I picked out colors for both bathrooms, our bedroom, and the spare bedroom (hopefully nursery?) as well as the living room. And I'm hoping for Home Depot birthday money from the family so I can actually afford all this paint! Oh, yeah, I'm almost 24. Next Monday!

So... here are the pictures. First, the kitchen.

And the front yard.

I also must tell you that I can tell that you guys are praying for me! God has been really working in my life over the past couple weeks, and I would never have enough time to fully explain what He's been doing, but it's been incredible. I found out another friend was pregnant, and this time I felt only pure, pure joy for her, and couldn't (still can't) stop praising God for giving her this miracle after they've tried so long. A lot of songs we've been doing at church have had a huge impact, as well as messages and conversations, and just random little things. Kyle and I are now praying together and for each other every night, which is something we've never done consistently. We've always just kinda done our own thing, and I am so excited about what this is going to do for our relationship. I also just bought a few books, three that are written by women who have struggled with infertility, and another one that is a devotional Kyle and I are going to do together called Moments for Couples Who Long For Children. I'm just waiting for them to come to me so we can get started. So that's where I'm at right now - so much more at peace, and very content, and very hopeful, and so excited to see what God is going to do!

Quick Update

Thanks so much ladies for praying for me! I'm still really struggling, but I also feel hopeful again, so I think I'm getting back on the right track. I think the reason that I've been so emotional (besides that I'm pumped full of hormones, of course!) is because we're nearing the year and a half mark at the end of this cycle. So, if this one doesn't work, we'll reach yet another 'milestone' on this journey, and that's something I really don't want! Most couples get pregnant within 6 months when they are actively trying, so reaching a year past that just gets depressing. Also, and I know this is super silly, but my birthday is in just a few weeks, and I'll be 24 (I know, so old!), but I always thought I would have a baby or be pregnant by then. My mom had me at 23, my MIL was 23, and I think my SIL was 23 as well, and I'm not going to get that if this month doesn't work. I know, silly, but when you're full of all kinds of additional hormones, things like that can be very upsetting.
The good news, though, is that if it doesn't happen this time for us, I'll still have at least one more time on the meds, possibly two, before looking in to anything else. I had been thinking that this was our last try, so the stress and pressure have been incredible, and let's just that the last few days have not been so jolly, and Kyle is probably sure his wife is going crazy. But my doctor wants 3-6 ovulatory cycles before doing any more tests, and this is my 5th round, but one time the meds didn't work. So this round should give us our 4th ovulatory cycle, and we'll do one or two more times before doing some more tests to find out why things aren't working how they should work.
I also started looking at some adoption information the other day, but about five minutes into it I had to stop. We've always (from the time we were dating) talked about adopting, and we've always been very open to the idea of adopting children. We always wanted a family that was mixed with biological children and adopted children. I never thought though that adoption might be our only option. And if that ends up being the case, we'll be completely fine with that. There are so many children out there in need of love and a good home, and I want to open my arms up to several of them! However, I realized once I actually started looking at information that I'm no where near where I need to be emotionally to even consider adoption. I'm not ready to give up my dream of being pregnant and having biological children yet. Not to mention the financial aspect of trying to adopt- we're not in that place either. So until God actually calls us that direction, we're going to keep hanging on to this roller coaster we're on.
Even though I'm doing a little better I still covet your prayers! Pray that we'll have patience, that we'll trust God's plan in all this, that I'll be able to handle my mood swings with grace ;) and that Kyle and I will grow closer together and closer to God through all this. I've really been convicted on that recently, and I know that Kyle and I really need to focus more of our self as a couple on God. So I'm going to look for a Bible study for us to do together (any suggestions?) so that we can make sure our relationship with each other and God is as strong as it can be when our little one does decide to come along.
Thanks and I love you all!

Trying not to wallow in self pity...

Please pray for me, friends. I've been doing so, so well lately. I've been happy, content, and at absolute peace with our baby situation. I've been praying fervently, for us and for friends going through the same ordeal. And I've been doing so well.
I just found out yet another friend is pregnant. And while I'm excited for her, a huge wave of depression washed over me once I found out, because it's yet another reminder of what I don't have and yet want so desperately. I need an attitude adjustment again; I'm so tired of crying and being emotional over something I can't change. Pray for me, please.

MIA

Yes, I've been gone for quite awhile! Not gone entirely, though - I've still been keeping up with your lives. I honestly just haven't had time to get on here and write anything, and even now I'm thinking of everything else I need to be doing, but it's just been so long! So, quick run down of what has been going on over the past couple months, and hopefully later I'll be able to post some pictures of improvements we've made to the house, and our little baby Marley, who is getting so big!

In no particular order:
~ We re-did the front garden area of our house earlier this week. If you go here you can see what it was like before. Look at the second picture- three big UGLY bushes that had a seriously nasty fungus growing in them. Gross. My parents came down on Monday, and on Tuesday we tore the bushes out, took out all of the stupid lava rock that was in that area, cleaned the dirt up the best we could, and put in new stuff! I haven't taken a picture yet, but we have park bench, and stepping stones, and a beautiful Japanese Maple with gorgeous red bark, and pansies all around. It's wonderful, and it looks infinite times better. When I get a picture of it, I'll also take one of our kitchen, because I just realized I never showed you the finished version! My dad also made a fool out of himself by asking us if they made coffee without caffeine, so we got a good laugh at his expense, and now you can too!
~ Marley graduated from puppy school this week as well. I don't know if she really deserved it... but we were at the required number of sessions to get the certificate, so Yay Marley! She's still a menace, but she's learning. She thinks she's a lap dog, even though she's getting too big for that. She was only 6.5 pounds when we got her, and now she is almost 25! She's still tiny compared to most Shepherds her age, so who knows what type of dog she is mixed with.
~ After taking a break from fertility meds while we moved and got settled, we were finally able to start back up again. I'm now on a higer dose, and have done one complete cycle with the higher dose, that didn't work (meaning we didn't get pregnant - the meds did their job). We're now starting round two of this higher dose, and our 5th round overall. This may be my last round before moving on to other testing or treatments, so I'm praying this one is it! I almost decided to not try again at this higher dose because it really, really messed with my body and my emotions last time. Too many hormones! But, we'll give it one more try, and then I'm thinking of going to see a natural healer type person that helped my sister-in-law with a pregnancy related skin condition that no one else could heal.
~ We had a wonderful Thanksgiving and Christmas, and we were losers on New Year's Eve, but still had a good time! I had Thanksgiving at my house for the first time, and cooked my first turkey (and it came out great!). We then went up to my aunt and uncle's house for a second Thanksgiving with my side of the family, and ate WAY TOO MUCH amazing food. For Christmas we went to that same aunt and uncle's house, and the whole family was there. My parents and sister, my mom's parents, my cousin's, and my other aunt and uncle from Texas were out. We also brought up Marley. :) Again, we ate way, way too much, which is pretty common at our family gatherings. My aunt is the queen of appetizers. We played my cousin's Wii, and my Papa played with us. It's hilarious watching your 80-something grandfather try to play Wii bowling! We also had a Reynolds family Christmas on Christmas day (I was lucky this year, and Kyle wasn't working!) with Kyle's parents and his brother's family. It was so much fun with Taylor and Ayla (my nieces). New Years we went over to Kyle's brother's house and had pizza (as a picnic on the living room floor, because that's what Taylor wanted) and junk food, and started watching the first Lord of the Rings because Kyle had never seen it. Well, we got through disk one, and by that point (10:30) we were all so tired, so Kyle and I went home and went to bed before midnight! Sad, I know.

So there's a quick update, and hopefully I'll find some time to post pictures of recent events and house improvements. I have one more week of Christmas vacation, and of course, I haven't done anything for school yet, and I REALLY need too. That's my next week project. And now, I'm going to go make bread in my new bread maker! :)

Happy New Year!