I'm standing in a really long line
With no end in sight
And everyone around me is getting front of the line passes.
Twenty-one months, seven rounds of hormones, two surgical procedures, numerous blood tests and ultrasounds, and who knows how much money, and still nothing to show for it. Everyone around me is pregnant, it feels like. I just feel like screaming "I WAS HERE FIRST! I'VE BEEN WAITING LONGER!" And (I'm ashamed to admit) at times I feel like I deserve it more than someone else. When an unmarried, former student of mine gets pregnant... I should be having a child instead of her. When a newlywed couple who wasn't even trying gets pregnant... It should have been me. I feel joy for all of them, and intense, intense jealousy a lot of the time. It didn't use to be this strong, but it's come on with a vengeance ever since last Sunday (mother's day). And I hate it, but I don't want to give it up, for some crazy, sinful reason. I guess it's because if I can hold on to this, I can at least be in control of something.
I was so sure this would be the time. I had come to such a good place, and now I feel like I've taken a huge step back (thank you, Brandi, for your words last night, you have no idea how much I needed to hear them). I was so sure that this would be the time, it just had to be, because I had finally surrendered everything to God. Now I feel like I've failed, and I'm wondering what I was holding back, and I can't help but think that it won't happen next time, either, because of this "setback" in my faith.
We won't even be able to try again this month. We leave Saturday for Hawaii as chaperons for the senior trip (and despite this negativity, I am very, very excited about this vacation), and if I went on the medicine this time it would mean I would be on it for the entire Hawaii trip. Since I want to be able to enjoy my time there and enjoy my last moments with my students, and not bite every one's head off while on vacation, we've decided to skip the meds this month. The other thing that solidified the decision was that if I went on the Clomid again, and made it through Hawaii, but that round didn't work, that would leave me taking my next round while I'm working at Royal Family Kids Camp in June. Since Royal Family is a camp for abused and neglected foster kids, and I already know I'm going to be a complete basket case, I really don't need any extra hormones coursing through my body while I'm trying to love on those kids. So, it sucks. Majorly. I hate that we're having to postpone this even more. I hate that we're having to go through this at all. I hate that people who abuse their children are able to get pregnant. I hate that children are neglected. I hate that I don't have any children of my own.
With no end in sight
And everyone around me is getting front of the line passes.
Twenty-one months, seven rounds of hormones, two surgical procedures, numerous blood tests and ultrasounds, and who knows how much money, and still nothing to show for it. Everyone around me is pregnant, it feels like. I just feel like screaming "I WAS HERE FIRST! I'VE BEEN WAITING LONGER!" And (I'm ashamed to admit) at times I feel like I deserve it more than someone else. When an unmarried, former student of mine gets pregnant... I should be having a child instead of her. When a newlywed couple who wasn't even trying gets pregnant... It should have been me. I feel joy for all of them, and intense, intense jealousy a lot of the time. It didn't use to be this strong, but it's come on with a vengeance ever since last Sunday (mother's day). And I hate it, but I don't want to give it up, for some crazy, sinful reason. I guess it's because if I can hold on to this, I can at least be in control of something.
I was so sure this would be the time. I had come to such a good place, and now I feel like I've taken a huge step back (thank you, Brandi, for your words last night, you have no idea how much I needed to hear them). I was so sure that this would be the time, it just had to be, because I had finally surrendered everything to God. Now I feel like I've failed, and I'm wondering what I was holding back, and I can't help but think that it won't happen next time, either, because of this "setback" in my faith.
We won't even be able to try again this month. We leave Saturday for Hawaii as chaperons for the senior trip (and despite this negativity, I am very, very excited about this vacation), and if I went on the medicine this time it would mean I would be on it for the entire Hawaii trip. Since I want to be able to enjoy my time there and enjoy my last moments with my students, and not bite every one's head off while on vacation, we've decided to skip the meds this month. The other thing that solidified the decision was that if I went on the Clomid again, and made it through Hawaii, but that round didn't work, that would leave me taking my next round while I'm working at Royal Family Kids Camp in June. Since Royal Family is a camp for abused and neglected foster kids, and I already know I'm going to be a complete basket case, I really don't need any extra hormones coursing through my body while I'm trying to love on those kids. So, it sucks. Majorly. I hate that we're having to postpone this even more. I hate that we're having to go through this at all. I hate that people who abuse their children are able to get pregnant. I hate that children are neglected. I hate that I don't have any children of my own.
I wish I understood God's plan.
Pray for me, please. I need it.
10 comments:
I don't even know what to say. My heart hurts so much for you. I know coming from someone like me, my words may be meaningless. But I have grown to love you so much over the last year that I've known you and when you are hurting I hurt too. You are such an amazing woman and you inspire me to have faith. I know that I will never truly know the depth of your grief, but I know that we have an amazing Creator who knows and feels all of our pain. I know that he has a plan and that his timing is ALWAYS perfect, yet at times like these we all feel out of the loop. I have been praying that God would show you his will and help you understand the WHYs. I just read this verse this morning on someone else's blog and then when I read your FB status and this post I thought about it again, I hope it helps you through the next couple of months.
"Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope:
Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed,
for his compassions never fail.
They are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.
I say to myself, "The LORD is my portion;
therefore I will wait for him."
The LORD is good to those whose hope is in him,
to the one who seeks him."
Lamentations 3:21-25
Know that I love you and I pray for you all the time- everytime you come to mind I talk to God about you and ask blessings and peace for you. Have a great time in Hawaii and enjoy your time with your students and your man.
I'm praying for you girl.
And don't let the lies get the best of you. Just because this hasn't happened yet, doesn't mean that you don't have enough faith. If just might mean that it's not God's timing for you yet. And I know that the waiting and unknown is what makes this soooo difficult, but don't make it harder on yourself by falling into the trap of comparing your circumstances to the circumstances of others. God has a plan for you and Kyle that is perfect. And I know you want that plan. I will be praying that as you keep your eyes fixed on God (as He works out that plan) that He will "renew your strength. You will soar on wings like eagles. You will run and not grow weary." Love you!
Diana, my heart hurts like yours is. I know exactly what you are going through and all your circumstances you listed that other women are getting pregnant who really don't deserve it, but yet they are. God does have a plan and your time is coming, just not yet. At least that's what I keep thinking. We have decided to take it easy and not think about it as much. We know it's coming its just "when". I will be praying for you blogger friend and have a great time in Hawaii.
someone told me once - if you were pregnant now, you wouldn't be having the child you are supposed to have! And they were right! although I didn't know it at the time, everything does happen for a reason, and God will never give you more then you can handle!!!
I think taking a month off will be good for you - refreshing, enjoy it and try to fully relax so you can prepare yourself for the worries of next month!!!
I wish I had answers for you - just know you are not alone, I can so relate to your feelings, as so many can!
Thinking, praying, and hoping for you......
love - lisa
I love you and I'm praying.
Oh girl, I came on here to check on you and my heart is heavy. I am choking back tears as selfishly our trials in trying to conceive come flooding back to me all these years later. I feel like thourhg your words I am right back there in that place of feeling hopeless. Had I never been there though I would not be able to reach out my hand to you and say I understand. If I can tell you anything its that EVERYTHING you are feeling is normal and God knows and understands all those feelings. He didnt make you a robot, he knows you are complex and have emotions. Thats why HE is the ONE who is patient and kind and loving and compassionate ALWAYS! Take in Gods beauty and grace while in Hawaii and let him prepare your heart for the journey you have to finish to get the prize. It may not be in the prize you think (as you know my story) but it will be what he desires and knows you are going to be best blessed by and also honor him with. Either way I KNOW you will be a gret mama who is greatful to be a mama when the day comes. I'm here if you need to drop me an email. I wish I lived closer so I could lay hands on you and pray over you.
Thank you for your comment Diana. I really appreciate your input.
P.S. I have been praying for you daily.
hows your heart today friend?
how are you physically and mentally?
I found your blog through Exposing Grace. I hope you don't mind me reading this. I know it's been awhile since you've written this, but I am sure you're probably still struggling with this. I wanted you to know that I think and pray about you often. I know how tough this can be. God has a plan for you. It may not be what you expected, but He knows what He is doing. Right now you are being a great mentor, teacher, and role model to many kids. You are bringing them closer to God through what you do.
Psalm 113:9 reads, "He gives the barren woman a home, making her the joyous mother of children. Praise the Lord!" Read this every day as encouragement. You WILL be a mother one day - I pray it's biologically, but it could be through adoption, fostering, or as a spiritual mother.
Still praying for your pain to be healed.
Christina
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