Passion

I was inspired by Leslie and Rhonda to write about what I'm passionate about. Something beyond chocolate or scrapbooking (two things I do love, however!). At first I wasn't going to write anything, since I'm really supposed to be asleep by now, but something in me needed to write once I started thinking about my answer.

See, I don't know if I'm passionate enough about anything. There are the obvious answers - God, my husband, my family, my future children and my students. And yes, I'm passionate about Christ and the people around me - but not enough. Lately I've been so consumed with other things - worries, being busy - that there isn't room left for my passion. I want to be passionate - more passionate - about my relationship with God. I need to be. I want to be more passionate about my husband - I want to feel like I did when we were newlyweds and I was so excited to spend every moment with him- just on a deeper level. I want to be more passionate about my students - I've been entrusted with growing them in to Christian men and women - I have a huge responsibility and I can't let them down.

There's so much passion there, but it's been crowded out. Crowded out by worries about the future. For a time, it was worries about our financial situation and Kyle's job. Even though God provided for us every month, I still worried. I think, because of my nature, I felt like I had to worry. I'm one of those people who likes to know what's going on - I need to know the game plan and how every thing is going to work out ahead of time. God's been working on that in me, and He still is. Now that things are going so much better financially (once again God has proved He is faithful and has provided us with Kyle's dream career), I'm worried about being able to have children. There are so many things up in the air right now. And I want to be pregnant now. Well, really, months ago. (God's also working on patience in me...) Not being able to get pregnant and being put on infertility drugs has consumed my mind. In a way, and I don't know if this is irrational or if other women have felt this way to while dealing with infertility, I feel like less of a woman - like I'm unable to provide children to my husband. This is something that women are supposed to do - and I can't. At least without help. And, who knows (God) when, or if, this medication will work? This has been my passion lately - my worry. And that needs to change.

Pray for me. I need patience. I need to refocus. I need to trust that God knows best - since He always does.

Stir in me, a passion that my heart cannot contain. God, stir in my heart a passion for you and a passion for people. I want to worship You.