Something I forgot

I have no clue how I forgot to write about this. I guess in all the excitement about getting our house, I completely forgot to share our other good news! No, not pregnant, but it's related. I finally get to go back on my medication again. After taking a month off (which turned into two, thanks to my retarded uterus), I'll be back on the meds tomorrow. Not exactly perfect timing, with everything that's going on with the house and starting back to school, but, whatever.

The thought actually crossed my mind to not take my meds this month. Since stress can be a contributing factor to infertility, and we could be under a lot of stress with the house, and school starting, and Kyle's schedule change that's coming up... Plus, I was also thinking that if it did happen this month (or even the month after) I wouldn't be able to finish out the school year, and I'd have to deal with a long term sub, and you get the picture. So I seriously considered waiting one more month (which would again, probably be more like two) before trying for our third round with the meds. But, then I kicked some sense back into my head, and decided that we've tried so hard and wanted this for so long, and if it does happen this month, we'll figure out how to make the mortgage payment and get lesson plans to a sub. And if it doesn't happen... well, we're getting used to that.

So, we're now on round three. Obviously I'll be thrilled if it works. This month marks a year since we decided to start a family, so whenever that positive test comes around, I will be a happy, happy woman. But now I can really say that I trust what God is doing. It's taken a year to be able to say that. I also know that if it takes years for us to have a family, and this is hard to say, I'll wait, and trust that He knows better than I. I don't want to have to go through more testing or other treatments, but I will, and I know there will be a reason for every step we go through. There's a reason for what we've gone through and what we have yet to face. The past year has been a doozy, that's for sure. So many emotions, and tests, and medications, and false hope, and sob fests. I know that's not over; it's not gone. I know I'll have times when I just feel like crying, and I know there will be times I feel low, like I'm somehow an incomplete woman. There will still be times when I'll doubt that God knows what he's doing, and think that I have better plans for my life; that somehow He doesn't have my best interests in mind and I need to take things into my own hands (thank you Captivating for that insight!). There have been those times, and I know they aren't completely gone. But I also know there will be more moments of peace. That I will trust God and His plan for our life more completely. That I will rely less on me and what I think I need. Because I do know that I am right where I need to be. We need to go through this. I need to go through this. I may never know exactly why, but there is a reason we are battling this. And even more specifically, there is a reason why it is my body preventing us from getting pregnant. I choose to look at this now as a chance to grow. A chance to trust God wholly and completely. A chance for us to strengthen our marriage. And I believe it will happen for us. I don't know how or when, but I know that we will be parents. It will happen exactly in God's perfect timing, and in the way he has ordained, and until then we wait patiently. And we trust. And we pray. And we grow.