Unexpected blessing

When I started this blog I had no idea it would be such a blessing in my life. Not only do I get to keep in touch with friends I know in "real life," but I have also formed bonds with some amazing women online. While it sucks that most of the friends I've made through here are going through/have gone through the same struggle of wanting children, it's also so encouraging to have them to talk to. It's great to talk to Erica, who seems like my copy - trying to have kids, looking for houses to buy, and trying to lose weight. Because of our blogs, we're doing it together. Lisa's posts, especially her latest, help me keep my perspective and bring me peace through our infertility struggle. I love that I met Christy, who went through this, and now has two beautiful little girls. Her story brings me hope that the same can happen for us. And I so enjoy watching little Rylan's adventures on Leslie's blog, and can't wait to see the little man. Thank you ladies, so much, for walking with me and experiencing life with me, despite distance and having never met each other. And of course, I love the rest of you "real life" friends, too.

I had been doing really well lately. I've been excited about the possibility of buying a house, I've been at peace with where we've been at with the baby issues, and things were going well with trying to lose weight. And now, I'm freaking out about the possibility of buying a house, I broke down crying yesterday because I don't have a baby yet, and I can't lose another ounce, and in fact, I've gained back a pound! Hopefully this means 'that time of the month is coming' since it's now been almost two months since I went off the infertility meds.

So, let me explain the freak outs, and please pray for me and my sanity and decision making skills. For some unknown reason, after Thursday's book club (which was awesome), on the drive home I suddenly became worried about the possibility of buying a home. We know we can do it, the problem is that we would have to give up so much, and now I don't know if I'm ready to give it up. And I haven't even been able to talk much to Kyle about this, so I have no resolution on this. Right now since we have such a low housing cost, we're able to pay much more than the minimum on our credit card debt, and I really want to get it paid off. I hate that we had to live on credit for so long, before the PD job came around, and now I'm thankful that the debt is disappearing and that we don't use the credit cards anymore. If we buy a house, we'll have to cut our payments down much lower, possibly to the minimum. We're also able to go on dates whenever we want, we've been able to do fun things like San Diego and visits to my family and taking friends out to dinner, and we won't have that kind of discretionary income anymore. I hated how we had to live before Kyle got this job, and I enjoy having some flexibility with our finances, and now I don't want to give that up. Of course I want to own a home, and I really want to move out of this apartment, but it also means giving up a lot/all of our fun stuff, and going back to a really tight budget. I was okay with that at first, and now I'm not sure if I am. So, pray we make the right decision Another thing that's contributing to my fear is that we were planning on my BeautiControl business already being in full swing, so that would bring in money to pay off debt and have fun. However, I'm having one heck of a time getting this started. I've talked to people about hosting spas, and I either don't hear anything back, they can't do it, or they want to, but aren't available for another month. So I'm still in the same place I was a month ago, trying to find just a couple people to books spas so I can finally get started.

Please also pray for my emotional sanity. I had been doing really, really well. Since I didn't use the meds, I knew there was no chance this time, so there haven't been those highs and lows of hope and disappointment. But then yesterday I replied to Christy's email, which was the very encouraging story of how their two daughters joined their family, and that brought up all the emotions I haven't had to deal with this month. And I broke down and just sobbed because I want a family so badly. I'm doing a better today, thanks in part to Lisa's perspective adjustment blog, but this still sucks. And on a related note, I'm really tired of people asking me when we're going to have kids, or asking me (above screaming babies) "You sure you want kids." Well, no clue when we're going to have kids, and yes, of course I want children, otherwise I wouldn't be subjecting myself to constant doctor appointments and medications and tests and heartbreak each month it doesn't work. Sigh.... we're almost at a year now since we decided we wanted to start trying, and what a year it's been...

*** edit ***

Another wrench was just thrown into my housing dilemma, but it could potentially be a good one. We had looked at some townhomes in our area (that are incredibly nice and much cheaper than the other homes we've looked at), but were'nt able to buy there because you had to finance through one specific company, and they required 10% down, and we didn't have enough. I just got an email from the complex, and called, and they now have new financing options where we'd only have to put 3% down, and we have more than enough for that. Of course, there are HOA fees, so if that plus the mortgage payment is the same as buying a regular house, we're still in the same boat.